A little SQL joke over Bertel Haarder

Disclaimer: I do not sympathise with the journalist nor Bertel Haarder, I just got this idea to a database version of the famous clip.
Disclaimer nr 2.: A few of the statements are invented for the sake of getting more of the details into this.

// A dark and stormy night, before the famous interview the journalist talks to the spindoctor. The spindoctor afterwards triest to do use replication with our famous Bertel Haarder.

INSERT INTO haarders_spindoktor (interview_question) VALUES (‘arbejdsgruppe’);
2010-12-17 18:41:11 CEST DEBUG2 Synchronizing with bertel_haarder
2010-12-17 18:41:11 CEST DEBUG2 remoteWorkerThread_1: SYNC 1840 processing
2010-12-17 18:41:11 CEST DEBUG2 remoteWorkerThread_1: syncing set 1 with 3 table(s) from provider 1
2010-12-17 18:41:11 CEST DEBUG2 ssy_action_list length: 0
2010-12-17 18:41:11 CEST DEBUG2 remoteWorkerThread_1: current local log_status is 0
2010-12-17 18:41:11 CEST DEBUG2 remoteWorkerThread_1_1: current remote log_status = 0
2010-12-17 18:41:11 CEST DEBUG2 remoteHelperThread_1_1: 0.001 seconds delay for first row
2010-12-17 18:41:11 CEST DEBUG2 remoteHelperThread_1_1: 0.003 seconds until close cursor
2010-12-17 18:41:11 CEST DEBUG2 remoteHelperThread_1_1: ERROR: Memory exhausted in AllocSetAlloc()
// Replication failed between spindoctor and bertel_haarder

// And now for the fun, the interview

$ psql interview

SELECT work_group FROM bertel_haarder;
ERROR: column “work_group” does not exist
LINE 1: SELECT work_group FROM bertel_haarder;
// bertel_haarder: I do not know anything about that work group

pgsql error : Backend start-up failed :
FATAL : Sorry, too many clients already.
// bertel_haarder: I am tired

logger: DEBUG: SendSharedInvalidMessage: bertel_haarder buffer overflow
// bertel_haarder: I can not contain more in my head

SELECT * FROM bertel_haarder;
// journalist: it is ok to ask
ERROR: permission denied for relation bertel_haarder
// bertel_haarder: no you it is not

server closed the connection unexpectedly
// bertel_haarder: lets say thank you for today

server reopened the connection unexpectedly
// bertel_haarder: then let us for fucks sake do it one more time

REVOKE ALL PRIVILEGES ON bertel_haarder;
// bertel_haarder: I will make sure not to help you another time

SELECT information FROM bertel_haarder;
ERROR: column “information” does not exist
LINE 1: SELECT information FROM bertel_haarder;
// bertel_haarder: I do not know shit about those things

*clicks menu then quit*
// bertel_haarder: We have finished now
“Are you sure you want to quit?”
// journalist: If you do not want to do this any more I guess we are finished.

ALTER USER journalist SUPERUSER;
// bertel_haarder: It is you who rules
ALTER TABLE bertel_haarder RENAME TO jacob_the_shoemaker
// bertel_haarder: I am Jacob the shoemaker
ALTER USER journalist TO king_salomon
// jacob_the_shoemaker: you are king salomon

interview=>
// jacob_the_shoemaker: ask!
interview=>
// jacob_the_shoemaker: ask for fucks sake!

DROP USER king_salomon;
// jacob_the_shoemaker: you shall fucking never ask for selections again

interview=>connect spindoctor
// jacob_the_shoemaker: call my spindocter and ask her
INSERT INTO answering_machine (message) values (‘database conflict with bertel_haarder please connect to bertel_haarder asap’);

Jacob the shoemaker: I am going to file a bug report on you.

This entry was posted in Uncategorized by admin. Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>